Who really knows what a Paleo diet consists of? It feels like it changes everyday!

My mouth cannot be controlled. It has overpowered my brain! The real brain!

If you don’t want to eat, then you lose the weight, right? So it is working!

When you make a decision about every single ingredient that goes into your sandwich, it becomes so much healthier, so powerful. It’s so empowering! Put everything in there, it’s still healthy!

Choosing which fruits and vegetables on your salad is so much fun! Oooh, wonder which dressing works best? Okay, done! Time to eat now. Go for it. Just put it inside your mouth. Now, chew. Move your mouth up and down. You can do it, come on.

Why would you count the calories of a cinnamon bun? Do you want to torture yourself?

You are a great first lady, Michelle Obama. But why you gotta touch my Cheetos at school?

With Twinkies, every finger is safe. Isn’t that more important?

Food searches deleted. I feel so lighter already!

When vegans said they can do anything with fruits and vegetables, they never said this. I don’t know what to feel about this.

Are trail mixes the new M&Ms? Are they the healthier M&Ms? Who you gonna fool with that?

Who in their right mind follows the suggested serving size? What is that anyway? No one can tell us how much to eat!

Ice cream is ice cream. Come on. Don’t mess with it!

You had to be that guy who brings the “healthy food.” Seriously. Why?

When they got married, he thought there was no deal-breaker in their marriage. Until she said gluten-free. Apparently, gluten was the thing that can break their deal.

I can eat all the candy and drink all the alcohol in the world. And that’s okay. Because this is diet soda.

How much does her daughter really know about their family? Have they been living a lie all this time?

There are other vegetables in the garden. You don’t need to stick to just one.

You don’t need to know my business. No one needs to know your business. So stay quiet.

After a lot of computation and analysis, she has determined what is economically advantageous. That’s a proactive healthy eater.

There’s a thin line between regret and pleasure. And it’s a donut.

Hey, four is better than three. Or two or one. Besides, you’ll thank yourself for this eventually. Probably.

See? You’re one step closer to becoming an athlete. Load up with more carbs!

And Skittles has different colors, which means different fruits! One bag should definitely be several fruit servings already.

Have you seen that serving? How is that sensible?

If we can only go back to that time, that time when everything was perfect. Let me live that moment once again.

They said cauliflower is the best food since kale. Nope, still don’t see it.

After buying: I’m gonna become the next MasterChef! Two days after: Hello, I’d like two pizzas with everything.

When it stops, you need to get off, right? And you’re hungry after all that running so it’s just normal to get food. Right?

Is it possible to have a full fridge with nothing to eat? Yes, everything is possible.

When you don’t want to eat it but you don’t have anything else to eat. Everything is going to be fine, my friend.

When you can have your drink and vegetables, always go for it. How much mint do you think is needed?

The day doesn’t start until the sun is shining bright. Until then, eat, eat, eat!

For the love of chocolate, get her an apple already! The doctor’s coming closer, closer, closer, he’s here!

Let’s see, what’s on the schedule for today? Yes, this sounds about right.

It’s the new diet where when you eat everything, you hope your body will eventually work with your food. Still praying for that day.

Which is better? One big one or two small ones? Especially since two small ones do not equal one big one.

What kind of smarts do you have? Will you ever achieve that “know when to stop eating” smart?

Carrots are the best! When you want to stay hungry. Forever.

You gotta have balance all the time. You can never be too healthy and too junky.

There’s no car that can fit him. So he has to walk everywhere. He can’t walk everywhere if his body is too carb-heavy.

Their value goes up every day. Because salads are a healthy investment.

It finally happened. The fear is gone.

Eat salad? Or make my ancestors proud? This is so hard!

Eating salad – where time stands still. And eating never ends.

This is the only time a person is not excited about an online purchase. Will she even open it?

All they had to do was chop the salad. Was that so hard?

The world needs to stop while she reads this email. Because it’s the most important email ever.

30 minutes to get a salad. That’s me.

Be original, man. Be original. Stop with the mixed greens.